Real listening is radical.
It means “This moment isn’t about me.”
It means silencing your thoughts, your plans, your need to respond.
When was the last time someone listened that deeply to you? Like a gift you didn’t know you needed.
And when was the last time you offered it to someone else?
Keep lighting the path!
We had a mathematics professor at university who felt like a character straight out of a novel – seemingly absent-minded, but always sharper than he appeared.
During discussions, he’d often say, ‘I don’t know much about this, but …’
While he indeed knew less about this than his specialty, it was usually still more than anyone else in the room (and probably more than most people outside it).
In fact, he wouldn’t even have considered to comment on a subject he truly did “not know much” about.
But here’s the point: When he spoke, people listened.
They knew that what he had to say was meaningful and well grounded.
Now, what about you?
When you chime in into a discussion, how knowledgable are you in that area? When you form an opinion, how profound is your background?
But most importantly, can your audience trust you with being reflective (and honest) about what you know?
I feel that this is one of the things that separate the good communicators from the inspiring ones.
So, what’s something you don’t know much about?
And what does it mean when you say that?
PS: Related!
Pat Metheny, one of my favorite guitarists, once said that the best musicians aren’t the best players, they’re the best listeners.
If you’ve ever been deeply touched by a piece of music, you will know that that’s true.
For example, your technique could be top notch, you could be the fastest player on earth, but if you don’t know how to listen well, you won’t be able to find that sweet spot where everything clicks. You won’t be able to feel the emotions, or really connect with your audience and your fellow musicians.
And isn’t the same true for communication?
That the best communicators aren’t the best speakers, but the best listeners?
If you’ve ever been deeply touched by a speech, you know that that’s true.
When you’re able to juggle the most complex, but don’t know how to listen well, you won’t be able to find that sweet spot where everything clicks and makes sense. You won’t be able to feel the emotions or really connect with your audience and your teammates.
So, what significance do you put on listening in your communication?
When someone shares a problem with you, what they need might be a solution to their problem, sure. But then again, perhaps they need something else, such as
you sharing your experience.
a different perspective.
a recommendation of someone to reach out to.
a question they didn’t dare to ask because they were afraid of the answer.
a word of encouragement.
someone who just listens.
…
As humans, we’re problem-solvers. When someone throws a problem at us, our first instinct is to think about solutions to that problem.
But sometimes, it’s useful to pause that intuition. For one, our solution might not be their solution.
But more importantly, it might not even be a solution they need. Being seen and heard could be much more important right now.
It takes a little practice to get a feel for these situations. But when you do, it’ll make a huge difference, not only in business but also in your private life.
One more thought on silent listening: Silence has an interesting effect on the unspoken. Stay silent in a conversation a little longer and the other person will often reveal more than they meant to.
Ask a question, let them explain. Then stay silent.
Usually, you’d chime in with your own thoughts. But this time you don’t.
You create an empty space.
Almost certainly the other person will feel the need to fill the silence.
They will start sharing more than they planned — a reason they had held back previously, a constraint they didn’t consider important at first sight, perhaps even a feeling.
They might even reveal their true thoughts, intentions, and even worries that they would have kept hidden otherwise.
The interesting part is that the silence is way shorter than you think. It only feels long. But often, a single second is all it takes for you to gain valuable insights and a clearer understanding of what’s really going on.
More information means (potentially) better decisions. But it also shows that you value what the other person has to say, which builds trust and respect.
A single second of silence, perhaps two, can make a big difference.
Sometimes, the right words are no words.
Isn’t it interesting how “listen” and “silent” are anagrams?
Makes it feel like they are two sides of the same thing.
In a way, they are:
When you listen intently, you become silent.
When you are silent, you can truly listen.
But there’s more:
When you remain silent, even if it’s just a little longer, you’ll pick up nuances that you would miss if you broke the silence.
I find it fascinating how much we can learn if we simply stay silent for a second longer and let the other person continue talking.
Silent is
… how we pay attention.
… how we allow others to open up in a conversation.
… how we give the space for their words to unfold naturally.
… how we reflect on what is being said.
In other words: silent is how we listen for what’s really going on.
Have you experienced moments where silence improved your communication?
Sometimes, the right words are no words.
Just be there.
Listen.
Give them the space to express their thoughts, in full.
The time to say it out loud, uninterrupted.
The opportunity to voice concerns, without fearing judgment.
The canvas to connect the dots, as they emerge.
The chance to find the right words, even if they couldn’t find them right away.
Probably none of this would have happened if you had interrupted and shared your advice early or offered your solution before they could find their own – possibly a better solution.
Sometimes, no words from you is exactly what your team needs to make a difference.
Give it a try!
Listening is mostly considered to be about filtering the most out of what’s being said. But there’s another side to it.
Being listened to.
It changes the conversation profoundly.
Try to think back to a situation where someone made you feel listened to?
How did you feel?
What changed for you?
In the way you opened up?
Which turn did the conversation take?
It feels very much like a gift, doesn’t it?
Great leaders often excel at it. They’re not only good listeners in the sense that they are aware of what’s being said. They’re also good at giving others that feeling of being listened to.
They truly give their full attention.
Who gave you that gift recently? What can you learn from them?
PS: One could even argue that you’re only really listening when it gives the speaker the feeling of being heard.
How many of your team members tell their families and friends that they are genuinely proud of working in your team?
Are you yourself proud of working here?
Why or why not?
Are you proud of your employees?
Why or why not?
What would you expect your employees to be proud of?
When was the last time you asked?
Never underestimate the impact a quiet, calm voice can have when it asks the right question in a room full of loud voices having only answers.
