Empathy Archive - Page 36 of 39 - This Moment Counts

Talking to a crowd of one

A speech is one person talking to a crowd. Right?

Yet, an interesting shift happens when you switch your thinking from “crowd” to “people”.

When working with leaders on their communication this is one of the most profound differences that boosts their comfort level in public settings.

Try it. What would you say if you didn’t speak to a crowd but to just a few people. Or even just one person? A specific one? Jennifer?

Most people speak differently to crowds than they do to people. They skip the superficial part, the abstract language, the generic examples, and the egocentric “look how awesome we are” pieces.

And skipping that makes them use language and gestures that feel much more true to themselves. Suddenly, it’s them talking, not the marketing department. It’s a person speaking to another person, not a company speaking to a “target group”.

Here’s one simple step towards this: When preparing your next speech, imagine one specific person in the audience. What’s her name? Why is she granting you the time? Where is she coming from? And then imagine how you speak to just her.

Misunderstanding is the norm

We tend to assume that our audience understands what we mean and that misunderstanding is an anomaly in communication. I think it’s much more helpful to assume the opposite.

Misunderstanding is not an anomaly but the norm. More often than not – even when it doesn’t seem so – people have a different understanding of things than us.

When we say “eager” they see something different than we do. When we say “2 billion” it might seem not much to them while it seems much for us.

It helps a lot to keep that in mind when communicating. If in doubt, assume that your audience will misunderstand what you say and increase clarity.

We tell stories on behalf of our audience

The power of stories is that it’s us who re-live the life of the story’s hero.

That’s true even in a business context. A story is a great story when it makes us feel: “That’s me! That’s exactly what I struggle with.”

A good story provide us with a new perspective on our own lives. It lets us imagine actions that we wouldn’t take without the story. It lets us feel feelings that we wouldn’t feel without the story. It lets us visualise outcomes that we would consider out of reach without the story.

Great stories lead to action.

And that’s why we tell stories on behalf of our audience.

The things we see

The only reason to give a talk is that there’s a gap between what your audience sees and what you see.

The purpose of a talk is to make your audience see what you see.

Of course, it’s so much easier if you don’t worry about that. You just speak about your topic for 30 minutes and when everything is said, you are done.

Yet, the point of a talk is not to be delivered but to change minds. The only way to achieve that is to acknowledge the gap and see your audience first. Where are they coming from? What’s their worldview? How do they see things?

And then take them on a journey to see things from your perspective.

Turn on the light

You see things that I don’t.

The beauty of communication is that for most things I don’t need to be you to see them as well. I don’t need to make the same experiences as you did in order for you to let me in to your experiences. I don’t need to have the same education as you in order for you to make me understand the things that you’ve understood.

You can make me see through the power of communication.

Wouldn’t it be great if 2021 was a year in which we focussed on exactly that? I’d sure love it.

What would you want us to see? Turn on the lights and make us see!

2020

Be helpful.

That’s my summary of 2020.

I feel today should be a day to thank all the people who put being helpful front and center this year.

All the people who have done their duty in difficult conditions, putting themselves at risk to serve others.

All the people who cared less for themselves and more for others.

All the medical staff who worked at the frontline.

All the nurses who took care of the old and the weak.

All the people who took care of their children while working from home.

All the people who took responsibility and made decisions that others shied away from.

All the scientists who worked hard to understand what’s going on and find solutions to problems that we never faced before.

All the people who wore masks.

All of you.

Thanks for being helpful. Keep it that way in 2021.

What do they say?

Look around and pick one thing that you see lying in front of you. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind about that thing? Say it!

See? That’s what your audience does after your talk. When someone asks a member of your audience about their experience, they will respond with the first thing that comes to their mind.

In particular, there’s no way that they are going to answer with a 30-minute word-for-word copy of what you said. Instead, their answer will be short, using their own language, and be told from their perspective. Sometimes it might be just one word: “Confusing!” Sometimes more than that: “Anna made it crystal clear why we struggle to meet our project deadlines. We need to improve three things immediately …”

So, what should they respond for your talk?

The thing is, unless you don’t have a clear vision for what the response should be, you’re leaving the decision to your audience. It’s hard to have the audience pick up the right message unless you know what that looks like yourself. What’s worse, when you lack a clear vision for your destination, how do you guarantee that you reach a meaningful destination at all? You’re basically arriving at any destination accidentally.

If, however, you have clarity about where you want to take your audience and what their response should be after your talk, then you can craft your story so that the actual answer will be just like planned. When you have clarity about your destination, it’s much easier to plan the route and safely take your audience there.

The gift of speaking

We’re giving a speech. Yet, ironically for most speakers speaking is about taking. Taking for granted their audience’s time. Shamelessly making their communication about themselves, trying to persuade their audience into buying, agreeing, voting etc.

How about we remind ourselves of the “giving” again? How about we give our time rather than take our audience’s time? And how about we start today?

Today, many families around the world spend their time together. How about we stop taking ourselves too seriously. Rather than expecting our family’s attention, we gift our attention to them. Rather than speaking about us, we listen to them. Rather than insisting on the way we would like the day to unfold, we just let it happen the way that our loved ones like it best.

I don’t wanna hurt you

As a communicator you can play it safe and make sure that your audience feels comfortable all the time. Avoid controversial wordings and content that might be misunderstood. Use neutral language. Leave the doors open to many directions. Include as many details of your product as possible so that there’s something in it for everyone. And, of course, refrain from putting your finger in their wound.

In fact, this is the default mode for most presentations.

Yet, precisely by trying to not annoy anyone, these kinds of presentations fail to excite anyone. By trying to not hurt, they fail to create the pain that is required to take action.

The problem is that, in a way, you waive the responsibility to create the tension that’s necessary for change. You let your audience figure out why they need this badly. And immediately.

And that might not even be in your audience’s best interest. Because they might actually need your product. It might be exactly for them. Now.

So, if it is, don’t hide from creating the tension. Make them see why it is for them. Make them feel why they need it. Now.

Don’t hide from hurting your audience and exciting them when that’s what’s required for change to happen.

10 eyewitnesses

If, after a car accident, you ask 10 eyewitnesses what they saw, you will hear 10 different versions of the same accident, possibly even contradictory ones. None of the 10 eyewitnesses is lying. None is trying to deceive you. Each one is merely recounting the truth in exactly the way they recall it.

Don’t expect that to be different for a speech. We shouldn’t assume that what we say will be recalled by our audiences in exactly the way we mean it. We shouldn’t even assume that what we say will be heard exactly like we say it. Or that what we show will be seen just like we see it. Or that what someone from your audience will say about your speech tomorrow, will correspond to what they are hearing today.

Each one of us has their own reality. We relate new information to this reality. Therefore, we may conclude different things from the same information than others do. Neither of us makes a mistake. It’s just the way that our brains work.

As a speaker, it’s a fact we have to deal with.

Posts in Tag: Empathy